


Once In A Blue Goddamn Moon

by thatordinaryoddity



Category: Jamie x Dani, The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27475423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatordinaryoddity/pseuds/thatordinaryoddity
Summary: Jamie leaves Flora's weeding more wrapped up in her thoughts than usual. In all those years, there hadn't been a day without thinking of her deceased lover Dani. But sometimes, once in a blue goddamn moon, events coincide in an exceptional, odd way.
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 11
Kudos: 85





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> The ending of Bly Manor just left me a sobbing wreck so I decided to make my own end... or rather sequel? I do apprectiate the canon, tho, so I tried my best to connect my story to it. I also just wanted to let you know that the story is already finished and will be published in three segments + Prologue. It's beta-read but I need to tell you that none of us is a native speaker, so there might be some mistakes. But we tried our best.
> 
> Anyways, let me preface this with a few warnings: I'd rate this fanfiction as K+ to F, but if you're very sensitive to topics like depressions or a moderate description of injuries please be warned. Also, I've tried to look up a few things to keep the fic as realistic as possible (as far as this is possible for a ghost story), so the mysterious coincidences I've mentioned in the summary truly took place this year.

_Red._

_It was as if her whole surroundings were tinted in that faded reddish colour. As if a sheer haze lingered over her mind and body. As if she had developed some sort of colour-blindness. Every contrast and every detail were there, but it seemed like some sort of strange, twisted, alternate reality._

_Red._

_The colour was faded and vibrant at the same time, it was dark like a rose but also bright like the warmth of a chimney fire. It was like a restless dream, like a headache, like a buzz, like a lover’s first kiss – a feeling like your knees were about to give in. She looked down to her feet, scrutinizing her body. Placing one hand on the back of her head._

_Red._

_She herself was dyed in that colour. Her clothes, her skin. And all felt so dull, so empty, so hollow. Her ears rang in a deep pitch, her whole head seemed to vibrate. The other hand raised in front of her face, she looked past her fingers which were slowly moving, trying to wake herself up from this reverie. Was she dreaming? Was this even real?_

_Red._

_She turned, noticing that there was absolutely nothing. Just one instant earlier, she was standing there beside that suburban lane, surrounded by trees painted in those beautiful auburn colours from the onset of autumn. Those gloomy streetlamps just there, about to go to sleep, as the new day had already awoke. She turned again, more hectically this time. And again there was only this colour which seemed to have devoured everything around her._

_Red._

_Then, suddenly, this strange noise inside her head stopped, shattered like glass as it was interrupted by a voice, unknown yet somehow familiar. She turned again, trying to figure out where the voice had echoed from in all this nothingness. And the red was gone._

_“I’m surprised to see you here!”_

* * *

The wedding had been great. Jamie got this warm feeling inside her chest, a faint smile growing on her face when she reflected on the event. She looked out the small window, her forehead leaned against it, down to the delicate carpeting of clouds beneath. The landscape below them was now too far away to even be recognisable. The fading sunlight reflecting off the cloudy carpet seemed like a notional farewell to the land of opportunity, her former, bygone home, which connected her to so many memories and even more pain.

It felt very odd talking to Flora as if she were a stranger to her, nothing but a distant relative of her father Henry, despite them having so much history together. Flora and her were connected by so much more than just a lousy lie of made up relations. Jamie’s attempt to tell her the truth about Bly Manor had been futile and left a rather bittersweet taste, as it was nothing more than a sad tale with a deeper meaning in Flora’s eyes it seemed. But maybe it was alright this way, maybe it was meant to be. If the grey-haired woman had learned one thing in her 56 years on this damn planet it was to accept happenings as they come. Most of the time there’s simply nothing else to do. And that insight too, was rather bittersweet, she thought.

She checked the time. Two hours twenty until landing. Somehow, the elderly woman felt relief inside her chest to be home again soon. Spending all those years alone had made her even more introvert than before, which was saying something. She had become less tolerant of crowds of people and tried to avoid meaningless conversations. All she needed were her plants and Teddy. Both were great listeners, both were understanding and both seemed to know that silence can be way more healing than a thousand empty words.

Jamie was tired. Her eyes were getting weary and her head heavy. The past few days had been exhausting in a number of ways. Still, her thoughts seemed louder than usual and she felt more unruly and restless. She chalked it up to the upcoming full moon on the weekend. She’d always been influenced by occurrences like this, suffering from headaches when the weather was changing and having trouble finding sleep in the waxing moon. Generally, she was quite sensitive to her surroundings, as if she could sense all those energies within and around everything, and the older she got, the more she realised and also appreciated this connection. She had always assumed there was a deeper meaning behind those perceptions. Maybe it was even more than that, maybe some kind of sign really. Maybe from another world, maybe from Dani. At least she tried to believe in this. 

_Dani_ , she thought. For a brief moment she closed her eyes, trying to swallow all the uprising memories down. _Not here, not now._ Although it was decades ago, every memory and every thought of her beautiful lover still hurt like falling into a needle pit. Of course, in some ways her grief was getting easier over the years, yet in other ways it was getting harder to bear. Though she had already gotten used to this new kind of reality – a reality without Dani – life as she had known it was gone for good.

Over time, the sadness was no longer omnipresent, but instead, it had begun to wash over her in waves, bringing her to the brink of unconsciousness with its ferocity and sorrow, then receding, leaving her feeling gruesomely empty for days. The awareness that she would never be able to see or hear or hug or kiss the blonde woman again was almost too much to bear. In fact, it was unnerving, almost enraging, that life seemed to go on, and all she could do was swallow her feelings and try to live on.

Subconsciously, she twiddled with her engagement ring again while dwelling on all those heavy thoughts. This Claddagh ring – symbolising love, loyalty and friendship – was the only thing left of Dani... the only thing - except of course her corpse at the bottom of the lake at Bly Manor. 


	2. The Garden Above The City

Jamie dropped off her luggage and went straight to the kitchen to get herself a cold, clear glass of water. Finally, after what felt like way more than an almost seven hour flight, she was in her usual environment again. To tell from the dawn outside the window, the day had just begun here in England since they had been on a nightplane. A little bit jetlagged, she pulled her cardigan tighter around her shoulders as she seated herself in the dark-green, cosy vintage loveseat. Like some sort of weird compulsion, she checked the water surface with every sip she took from her glass, hoping to see _her_ reflection – as always, even after all this time, even after all this disappointing time.

In hope of getting some distraction from her train of thoughts, she grabbed the remote control for her radio and switched it on. Restless as the past few days had left her, she shifted around nervously on the seat, unable to find a comfortable way to sit. After a few fidgety minutes, the grey-haired woman gave up on finding any rest and decided to make herself a little something to eat instead. In the background, the music from the radio silenced to make room for the daily news. A female voice started talking:

_And now to the weather forecast. This Friday autumn morning will be sunny in all parts of South England. It’s supposed to get cloudy with thunderstorms in the evening. Over the weekend, we expect rain in the greatest parts of Britain. Also, a rare Blue Moon will appear this weekend, coinciding with Halloween for the first time in more than 70 years. The full moon will rise in the east at 4.53 pm in the UK on Saturday, less than 20 minutes after the sun sets._

Jamie wasn’t even really listening. It was more like she heard the voice of the radio lady but couldn’t catch what she was saying. She was just tucked so far away in her own thoughts.

After she had eaten her breakfast and unpacked her suitcase, she decided to visit her favourite place in the world – Teddy’s little rooftop garden – one of the few things left to give her soul some comfort.

* * *

When Dani left all those years ago, Jamie had been unable to set another foot inside their florist’s shop back in America. Everything was connected to too many memories. There wasn’t a single spot where they hadn’t kissed. Sometimes, Jamie even came across a blonde hair here and there which would leave her as a sobbing wreck for the rest of the day.

She couldn’t even remember what she had been doing all day long during the first few weeks, if she had eaten or not, but she knew she hadn’t been sleeping for more than an hour at a time. She hadn’t even been able to bear collapsing into unconsciousness, because waking up from it to once again face her loss had been torture. She had begun to feel even worse since that one time she had gone to the shop, only to find all their plants dead due to the weeks of unintentional neglect. It hurt _so_ much. All of it felt miserable.

After what had seemed like an eternity, some kind of inner healing had set in. Something inside her had told her she needed to move on. And although no hour had passed without her being reminded of that awful grief, Jamie had managed to move on one day. She had sold the flower shop and also her – _their_ – flat, packed only the indispensables and booked a one way flight back to England. The woman had been aware that she couldn’t stay in America, in that cosy apartment, near the charming florist’s. It had been _their_ dream, _their_ life – and she would have perished had she stayed there.

Fortunately, she’d had some money left over from selling the flower shop and Henry Wingrave’s noble inheritance – he had sold all the antiquities and expensive, century-old furniture in Bly Manor to get rid of “all the old dust”. And since he was one of the only four people to remember what exactly had occurred at Bly Manor, he had decided to split the money between them as some sort of indemnity.

Back in Britain, Jamie had moved into a charming, suburban brick row house on the outskirts of a larger city. She’d been unable to bear living on the landside all alone because her own thoughts seemed too loud in all that silence. Likewise, living in the city centre had not been an option because the rush always unsettled her. Therefore, her current, modest accommodation had been just the right choice in her situation. Yet as the seasons had changed and one year had turned into two, the green-eyed woman had felt that something was missing inside her heart – the presence of a garden, of real flowers and plants. Since her row house didn’t have much more to offer than a few tiny window cills which were far too small to make a suitable home for all of her pot plants, Jamie had decided to search for something else. As luck would have it, she had found just what she had been looking for one day on the empty bus seat next to her while on her way home from grocery shopping. The forgotten newspaper on the seat right next to her had revealed just the right page of small ads:

_Retired Gardener needs helping hand with his 40 sqm rooftop garden including a conservatory. All those interested please contact Theodore Campbell under …._

This ad had been more than just written words on the newspaper, it had been the beginning of something great, of something essential for the woman’s soul to find a little comfort and silence after all this time.

The years had gone by and turned her hair a steely gray, and she had gotten used to this new reality. Dani was never gone from her mind, not a single second, but it had become easier to live with all that screaming numbness inside her.

Theodore Campbell – Teddy – who suffered from multiple sclerosis and was confined to his wheelchair, had provided Jamie with so much love and understanding that he had become family to her. _Truthful_ _family,_ unlike those people who were related to her by blood. The elderly woman had shared her story with the old man and he had listened, understood, and remained silent when she had just needed to cry. Thus the little garden above the city had become not only a diversion, a pastime – but instead it had become home to her.

Teddy was 85 years old by now and Jamie visited him at least five days a week. Just as much as she saw him as a father, the old man loved Jamie like his own daughter. His wife had also passed away many, many years ago and the couple never had any children. Somehow, Teddy was a kind of role model for the green-eyed woman, because he himself had been through really hard times and yet, he always had a smile on his lips and another joke to tell every day. When his health began to deteriorate, he became reliant on his wheelchair, unable to attend to his gardening duties all by himself. Unwilling to give up the rooftop garden and sell it to someone who might just turn it into a rooftop terrace, he had place the ad in the newspaper.

Luckily, the pensioner was able to draw from his savings to pay for his treatments and special care, but with that burden and the rather lousy annuity a gardener gets, money was short nonetheless. Despite his financial status, he insisted to pay Jamie for her help, but she had always declined. His company and the garden had always been more than enough compensation for her. That, and the afternoon tea with shortbread biscuits, of course.

* * *

“It’s fine Teddy, I’ll get it,” the elderly woman put away her gardening gloves as the doorbell rang. The passionate gardener had spent almost the whole day on the rooftop, nurturing the plants and flowers with care and dedication, as she had been away for almost one week. Utterly absorbed in her work, she hadn’t even noticed that the sun was setting. 

“Good evening Madam, trick or treat,” three colourfully dressed up children stood outside the door, gleefully grinning and bursting with excitement.

“Oh hi there, I _love_ your costumes, you’re all exceedingly spooky! Let me see what the secret sweets stash has to offer!” Jamie smiled back at them, rushed into the kitchen, grabbing a handful of chocolate bars and handed each kid a few of them.

At the back of her head, she remembered the radio announcement about Halloween and the occurrence of the rare blue moon this night. If the kids hadn’t turned up in their costumes, she wouldn’t even have recalled that tonight was Halloween. She hardly attributed any importance to holidays like this, always assuming them to be a day like any other, but unbeknownst to her, this Halloween would turn out to be a very special one.

Without the sunlight warming her in the chilly autumn breeze, Jamie decided to lay her work on the rooftop garden down for the day and put on some good night tea for Teddy and herself.

“Ah thank you my dear, you are truly an angel!” Teddy said gratefully, as he took the hot tea mug from her. “You care to join me for a while?” The old man had hoped to be able to spend some time with her because he had noticed that something was especially strange since the moment she entered his apartment this day. Since she had returned from her trip to America for the wedding ceremony, Jamie seemed to be more absent-minded than usual.

“Would you mind if I go outside to the garden? The moon is so pretty tonight and I just want to admire it for a little bit on my own.” With a faint smile she placed her hand on the old man’s shoulder, trying to let him know that he needn’t worry. With a soft nod, he accepted her wish.

The sun had set entirely by now and the clear sky was embellished with its shiny stars already. The full moon tinted the rooftop with all the plants in a pale, silvery light. Despite her brown turtleneck pullover, made from very warm and soft linen, the elderly woman slightly shivered in the cold night air. Nevertheless, she sat down on the iron garden bench, wrapping her elegant, slender fingers tighter around the warm mug. With every sip, the warmth of the tea seemed to spread inside her body, stopping her from freezing any longer. The night was so very calm, and soon, her heavy thoughts, too, appeared to fall silent. Before she knew it, sleep somehow overcame her after a day of hard work and all the mental tension over the past week.

Jamie woke up, trying to figure out where she was for a moment. She didn’t know how long she’d been sleeping there, outside, on the cold iron stand of the garden bench. But somehow, her surroundings appeared to be ghostly silent and the cold night suddenly seemed very mild, more like a summer night really. There wasn’t a noise to hear, not even some distant hustle of traffic, not even the wind playing with the leaves of the plants. The green-eyed woman felt uneasy, odd, somehow dizzy. With one last glance upon the sky to the gorgeous moon in all its glory, she went towards the door leading inside. Suddenly, she was interrupted by a voice. A voice, so obviously real and present, that denying it or blaming it on the wind would have been utterly pointless:

“Jamie...”

She was thunderstruck. It was as if all her body cells, every membrane and every fiber froze to ice. A cold sensation rushed through her body from head to toe, leaving every inch of her electrified. This voice – could it be real? Was it another dream? Suddenly, she heard it again, louder this time, but with the same fragile gentleness.

“Jamie...”

The elderly woman didn’t even dare to turn around, she was literally frozen. A sudden gasp escaped her lungs, when she felt a soft touch on her shoulder. She squinted her eyes, trying to wake up from what she believed to be a dream, but the touch tightened.


	3. The Gravity Of Love

“..Jamie…”

In slow motion, the grey-haired woman tilted her head, then turned around completely, her jaw dropped in disbelief, tears suddenly blurring her vision. Her knees started to tremble like aspen leaves and she felt like she needed something to hold on to before they would give out. Her whole body began shaking tremendously and the blonde, ghostly figure opposite her provoked goose bumps all over her body. Jamie’s eyes wandered to the hand on her shoulder, fixing on the golden ring in shock. _That’s not real. It’s another dream. Wake up. Goddamn, Wake up!!!_ Desperately, Jamie hoped to escape from this situation. When the dreams had started out decades ago, she thought she could enjoy these few moments of bliss with her lover while they lasted, but instead she had discovered that the longer she indulged in the illusions, the more dreadful the following solitude would be. Since then, she couldn’t stand these kinds of dreams because afterwards, they always left her feeling so unbearably empty. Therefore, she always tried to force herself to wake up, as she knew they were nothing but hollow, hopeless illusions that only made her waking hours more lonesome and painful. This time, however, was different - this time she couldn’t make herself wake up because this time, it wasn’t a dream.

“Jamie, stop fighting it, I’m here! Do you hear me, I’m here,” the blonde person in front of her took one step closer, placing her hands on Jamie’s cheeks. And with the touch, all the doubt in Jamie’s mind was shattered like a pane of glass, broken into a million pieces. There was no mistaking those clearest of blue eyes. “ _It’s her, it’s really her… Danielle Clayton._ ” Tears flooded down Jamie’s cheeks, wetting the delicate hands touching her. She searched for words, she wanted to say something, but she wasn’t able to move her lips. All she could do was stand there, look into that beautiful face and stare into those flashing blue eyes, all the while gasping for air in hope to find words.

“ _H-... How...?_ ” Her voice sounded so broken, like she had been mute for years and only now began to rediscover her ability to speak. Her green eyes wandered up and down the beautiful blonde woman’s body, trying to find a hint that might explain how all this was possible. “After _all_ these years…,” sobbing, she struggled for air.

Dani, too, couldn’t hold back her tears any longer. That very moment was filled with so many raw and honest emotions, with decades full of hope and yearning, doomed to be nothing more than disappointing, impossible wishes that could never come true.

“I have always been there, Jamie. I’ve always been with you, all these years!” Dani said with softness and care in her voice, caressing Jamie’s cheeks with her thumbs. “I was right there all this time, but you couldn’t see me! I tried to make you notice me, but I couldn’t… I tried _so hard_ to get through to you, but it was hopeless…” The blonde woman’s voice had become shaky, and she was visibly agitated. The thought that Dani had been trying to communicate with her lost love for all these years, that she had always been so close to her yet unable to reach her, seemed unbearable to Jamie.

“I... I... don’t understand,” with a barely noticeable shake of her head, Jamie placed one of her hands over Dani’s, still resting on her cheeks, feeling the warmth of their bodies connect after decades. It felt so warm, so familiar and yet so unreal. The green-eyed woman was still unsure if this pretty bubble would burst, leaving nothing but another sad, beautiful scar on her soul. She was still anxious that she might suddenly be ripped from her slumber or this vision would abruptly turn into a nightmare through some sick twist.

Dani looked into her lover’s green eyes, which shone like emeralds in the silvery moonlight, and she knew how many thoughts were rushing behind them. She understood that the grey-haired woman had to be bursting with questions.

Dani let go of Jamie’s cheeks and took her hand instead, the one with the Claddagh ring: “You know, when I left you, I _had_ to go to keep you safe. I could never have stayed with you if there was chance that I might hurt you. I could have never forgiven myself, if I let any harm come to you. And I knew that you wouldn’t have let me go, that you would have tried to talk me out of it, or worse, wanted me to take you with us into the lake. But I could never bring myself to that. That’s why I left… secretly. All I wanted was to protect you, to keep you safe, Jamie!” Dani’s face was covered in tears, she was trembling now as well. The only thing soothing her was her lover’s soft hand that she could finally hold again after such an endless time of longing for it.

She inhaled sharply and one could see she was struggling to continue: “You know, Viola’s rage inside me started to grow from day to day. It grew tremendously and it turned me into something I never wanted to become. I wasn’t able to stand up to her and her blind hate. I... I... really had no chance at all.” Dani was so angry about this abuse of her body and mind, that she had a hard time talking about the evil spirit inside her, who had taken away her life with Jamie. The blue-eyed woman clenched her teeth and stared right through Jamie, wound up in her thoughts, as if she was focussing on something behind her.

“The first time I returned to the mortal plane just felt like a dream – like a strange, fitful slumber. It just felt like a long, weird, restless night. Neither was I aware that I was dead, nor did I know I had the ability to roam the world of the living.” Jamie listened carefully, trying to absorb and comprehend everything her lover was telling her.

“After the first few months, I would eventually manage to wake up and after some more time, I learned what I was… that I was _dead_ , that _she_ had finally dragged me with her.” One could feel the pain in Dani’s voice, her inner conflict. It hurt her as well that she was doomed to live through this fate.

“Then I began searching for you... Jamie. It took me so long to figure out how to get to you. And once I found you, I wanted to run to you, to touch you, to hold you! But I couldn’t reach you!” Her piercing blue eyes got even clearer from the watery sheen the tears left on them. “You were there, right in front of me… but…,” now Dani was the one, searching for words, gasping for air, as the tears were falling and her voice was shaking. “You couldn’t see me, not even sense me! _I couldn’t get to you_! It was like you were looking through a window – right through me – but not recognising my screams or my presence. I was _trapped_. But I was there! Every full moon... _I was there_!” She squeezed Jamie’s hand with one of hers, while the other wandered up to her face to wipe away her tears.

Jamie stood there, her expression hardened and her lips were firmly pressed together to make her mouth appear like a thin line. Seeing the love of her life in this gruelling pain was unbearable to her as well. She squeezed Dani’s hand back even tighter. _How hard it must have been... realising you’re dead... realising you’ve lost everything._ Jamie had never really appreciated all the agony her lover had lived through. Frankly, she had always assumed that Dani would have forgotten everything about their beautiful life together and that Viola’s anger would have gnawed off every emotion and every memory left in the blonde woman, just the way it did to Viola herself centuries ago. But Dani’s love must have somehow overpowered the evil spirit’s rage and thus, the young woman had managed to create her own gravity – the gravity of _love_.

Viola’s rage against humanity was extinguished by Dani’s true love for Jamie and her desire to be with her again. Therefore, it had been possible for the blue-eyed woman to find a way to visit Jamie, even if only on full moon nights, where the border between this world and the afterlife narrowed. Unfortunately, the band was never thin enough to make Jamie become aware of her presence at all. No matter how hard the blonde woman tried, there was no incident where Jamie was able to sense her. She cried, she screamed, she shrieked Jamie’s name, but there had never been the slightest reaction at all. At some point, Dani had just given up, decided to face her fate of being doomed to live in this misery, until finally it would be time for Jamie as well to leave this world behind. Even then, she would just have to stand there, watching Jamie die, unable to hold and comfort her. All she could hope for was to finally meet her lover again after she had passed on.

Then, not too long ago, an idea was born while she suddenly remembered something she had been told as a kid: the Celts believed that, at a certain time of the year, on a festival they called Samhain – Halloween in modern terms – the boundary between the world of the living and the dead became blurred and that ghosts returned to earth again. When she found out that this year’s Halloween coincided with a rare blue moon - something that only happens once in a lifetime, if ever – she knew she had to use this unique chance to get through to her lover.

If there was ever a chance of her speaking to Jamie, it was _this_ very night, so Dani had to try with all her might to make it work – and she succeeded.

Even if their time together was limited to that one night, it was more than she could ever have hoped for and more than any other person would get in their life, so Dani was thankful. She was so very thankful to be with her beautiful lover again after all those lost years of longing and suffering, even if it lasted only for this single night and she knew she had to go when the sun would wake up. Already, she knew it was going to hurt like hell, too.

Still sobbing, she raised her hand towards Jamie’s head, softly touching one of her grey strands of hair, the one which was lighter than the rest. A tender smile formed on her lips: “I love them... they’re so different now but I can’t help to admire them.” It was odd somehow, that Jamie had changed over the years – not only had she gotten visibly older but also so much wiser, calmer and more ladylike – while Dani had stayed the way she had been when she died. And even if it seemed like this might create a big gap between them, it was quite the opposite. Their two hearts were still the same they had been when they were separated by the bitter loss. All their feelings and emotions, all their memories together and the happy times – nothing had really changed, they were still connected by this band of true, unconditional love. They both had that mutual feeling inside their hearts, as if they could read each other’s thoughts.

Jamie stood there, softly crying as well, still wondering how so much luck had found her way to her after all these desperate times, until she thought she was finally able to react to Dani’s story. She took a deep breath and opened her lips, but all she could do was stutter. “Y... you..,” she shook her head as if she was trying to rearrange the thoughts inside it. “I... I...,” but Jamie wasn’t able to form a meaningful sentence. Those beautiful blue eyes in front of her were fixating her, waiting for what was coming. Then, Jamie suddenly remained silent again, took a little step forward and just flung her arms around Dani’s neck.

The young blonde woman just needed a moment to understand, that she was _finally_ able to hug and touch and kiss her lover again. This insight made her hackles raise and her heart feel as if it was about to burst of excitement. Finally, she hugged her lover back, pulled her even tighter to her. Both of them were crying, both of them tightened their embrace as if they were afraid that the other would suddenly fade away. Both of them couldn’t be happier about being with one another again and tears kept streaming from their eyes as their hug lasted.

“I’ve missed you! _Goddamn, I’ve missed you so much, Dani_! Do you know _how much_ I’ve missed you?” the elderly woman whispered through clenched teeth and with narrowed eyes. The barrage of thoughts and emotions was nearly unbearable to handle all at once. She felt happiness, she felt pain, she felt love and she felt fear. “It was _so painful_ , I just wanted to die!”

When Jamie said these words, Dani softly loosened their hug and slowly placed both of her hands on her lover’s shoulders: “I know... Jamie. I’ve seen you… all those nights you cried… you were at the edge. But you had a life, a choice... and death would have been the wrong one! And I’m so glad you kept going.” She nodded as if she wanted to reinforce what she just said. Her expression was somehow filled with concern. She knew how much Jamie had suffered, and every time she had witnessed one of Jamie’s breakdowns, she had been worried if she was going to see her again on the next full moon. Dani squeezed her shoulders: “As I’ve said... I couldn’t let _any harm_ come to _you_!” Those emerald green eyes were staring back at her, slightly filled with tears. She had noticed by holding Jamie that her whole body was trembling. “I’m here now…” those words were spoken so carefully, so softly.

Their glances wandered to one another’s lips, watching them for a few seconds, until they were finally touching again. There were no suitable words for describing how magnificent their _second_ first kiss felt. It was filled with emotions of loss and grief, of raw love and extraordinary dedication to each other. Their bodies were electrified, every inch was thunderstruck. As the kiss intensified, they now embraced each other again. Dani’s lips slightly opened to welcome her lover’s tongue. A warm feeling spread inside her chest and her sweaty hands pulled Jamie closer to her. A soft gasp escaped from her lungs during this intimate moment only the two of them shared.

None of them wanted to end this moment of mutual affection, but sometimes the human body just needs air to breathe. Sharply inhaling, Dani ended the long kiss, followed by a satisfied smile on her lips. With an indescribable amount of love in her voice she whispered to her lover as their noses were still touching: “I’ve waited _so long_ for this to happen... I have missed you with every fiber of my body, Jamie.”

The green-eyed woman blushed and placed her hand on Dani’s cheekbone. “I’ve waited too… for you to finally return to me! I’ve waited all these years...” she closed her eyes, enjoying their moment together, and she tried to absorb every second, every movement, every touch and every sensation of it. It felt as if all the cold in her long-frozen heart finally melted after all these depressing years of yearning. Jamie wished that this moment could last forever and that she could be with Dani for all eternity, just as they had dreamed of when both of them were younger. But she knew that wish wasn’t meant to come true – just like the full moon and this special night of the living dead couldn’t last forever, Dani too, would fade away soon. Both of them were painfully aware of that fact, but none wanted to waste even a single thought on it yet.

The night was getting darker, but the air remained extraordinarily mild for autumn. The two of them were cuddled up on the bench inside the winter garden, holding each other tight. Dani had asked Jamie to tell her what had happened in the years she was gone, and now listened attentively to all the events the older woman recounted, occasionally placing tender kisses on her lover’s hands. The moon light tinted the plants around them in a romantic, mysterious light. Both women felt as if this long separation, this violent break between them, had never existed. It felt so normal to be together again despite the long time apart.

Though one would assume the two women had so much to tell each other after all this time, the night was also partly spent in silence. After a while, none of them said anything at all anymore, instead enjoying their mutual moments of love. The bond between them was so strong, so unique, that they didn’t need to put into words how they felt at that moment. Instead, they _knew_ how the other felt. And both of them knew as well, that they didn’t have all that much time left together, so they savoured each other’s presence even more. Being aware of their limited time was like an inner ticking that grew louder, minute by minute, and it felt threatening, uneasy.

“It will hurt, won’t it?” Jamie’s emerald green eyes slightly filled with tears again, which made them look like submerged gemstones in a shiny, crystal lake. Lost in thoughts, she started chewing on her lips. The mere thought of losing Dani again just tore her heart apart. The blonde woman took her lover’s hand, softly caressing it with her thumb, in an attempt to soothe her. She knew too that their farewell wasn’t going to be easy at all. But she also knew that they could at least gather strength from this night together – after all, Dani would always be there, even if it wasn’t physical.

“But how will I go on without you?” The tears began to stream down her face. “How am I supposed to just live on?” With a worried expression, Dani squeezed her lover’s hand even tighter. “I know, Jamie… but… remember… every full moon I’ll be with you! Even if you can’t see or touch me… I’ll never leave you! I’ll be there and I will listen!” Although Jamie could see that Dani truly meant everything she had said, her heart filled with pain again, her silent tears turning into a desperate sob.

“Dani... I can’t lose you again! I... I... just _can’t_ ”

“You _WON’T_ lose me, Jamie… do you hear me! I’m here! And I always will be…” Dani pulled Jamie even closer to her, wiped her tears away and leaned in for a deep kiss. She couldn’t stand leaving the love of her life a sobbing mess. She understood the frustration of her lover, felt the same way, and yet appreciated that they were able to spend at least that one night together and get a chance to properly say goodbye. _Please remember me this way. Please remember the good times, not the bad ones, Jamie._

Even though Jamie calmed down a bit, it was obvious from the expression on her face that she was devastated. They both knew that the time had come. The moon was standing low by now, the dark of the night slowly made room for the new day. Dani stood up, taking the older woman’s hand again, inviting her to join her walking out of the winter garden. The two women were standing in front of each other, holding their soft hands and feeling the other’s racing heartbeat.

“I love you, Jamie! You were the one… the only one… always!” With a soft, but broken smile, Dani forced herself not to start crying as well. She had to be strong, she had to focus on the good, not the bad. “And I’ll be there… one month from now, there’ll be another full moon.”

“I love you too… I can’t express how much!” Jamie flung her arms around Dani’s neck again, holding her as if she wanted to prevent her from leaving: “I’ll wait! I’ll look out for every single sign and every oddity… knowing it’s you!” As she embraced Dani’s warm body, she felt her warmth slowly decreasing. Abruptly, she took a step back, looking in shock at the fading shades of her lover. She had started to become translucent already, and all the colours had left her form. Jamie could see the remaining moon light shining right through her, leaving a silvery gleam on her whole body.

“It’s time now.” A sad smile formed on the blonde woman’s lips. “Please, don’t be sad my love, be thankful for this night… just as I am…” and with those words Dani was gone completely.

Jamie’s eyes were wide open in disbelief and agony, and after a moment, she collapsed on the hard ground. She remained there, on her knees, covering her face with her hands as she started to weep bitterly. She knelt there for what felt like minutes to her, but had actually been hours, all the while crying her eyes out and praying for Dani to come back. Even if it had been the most luminous, astonishing night in decades, she couldn’t deal with the fact that it was over.


	4. The Dear In The Headlights

The day had already begun when Jamie was finally able to stand back up from the ice cold concrete floor. All these hours crying left her eyes reddened and her head aching. The dull feeling inside her head and the emptiness in her chest were suddenly there again – stronger than ever before. She let one last gaze wander across the rooftop garden, in hope of finding Dani still around somewhere, but was disappointed and decided to head back inside the apartment. Teddy was still sleeping on the couch next to his wheelchair. Jamie took the check patterned blanket and covered the old man up to his neck. She wondered if he had noticed the happenings in the night or slept through all of it. Either way, she wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. Without further ado, she quickly took her coat and scarf and left the apartment.

The air was suddenly cold again, just like everything around and inside her was cold now - her lungs were frozen, her heart was frozen even more. Her hands, which were warmed by her lover’s only a few hours ago, had also turned to blocks of ice. Breathing in that chill air felt hard as there was a stinging feeling inside her chest.

The sun had already started to brighten the quiet lane she was walking along, which was so nicely framed by autumn coloured trees. Jamie could already tell it was going to be a beautiful day, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to enjoy it with all the sadness inside her. All the happiness and joy in her life seemed to have vanished along with Dani that fateful morning.

Her head was _so full_ of thoughts. The green-eyed woman tried to recall every moment she had spent with Dani that night. She tried to ingrain the memories inside her brain, inside her flesh, to make sure, they would remain as vibrant as they were. She kept trying to tell herself that Dani wasn’t gone, that she would always be there, but still, it couldn’t even compare to actually holding her beloved in her arms.

Despite the good transport connections from Teddy’s place to her own apartment and the chilly autumn air, Jamie decided to walk. It wasn’t far, only about fifteen minutes by foot, and the route was lovely and quiet. Maybe, the fresh air could take her thoughts off last night.

She came by the little park again. She had always loved this spot for its sad, romantic vibe and she had always felt attracted to it because of that. Through the colours of autumn the little park seemed like a painting, almost too kitschy to her. A while ago, she had started to dislike the colder seasons because all the plants and flowers would go to sleep, leaving her more depressed than usual. That day, however, that colourful autumn decay somehow called to her in a bittersweet way. She stood there, in front of the park, just for a few minutes, thinking how pretty all of that would have been with Dani by her side.

Back when her lover had still been with her, she had liked all the seasons. She hadn’t cared if it was snowing or raining outside since Dani used to be the sunshine in her life, keeping her warm and happy. As she continued her walk home, Jamie wondered if she would ever be able to get over this loss of not being able to fall asleep next to Dani, of having dinner all alone, of admiring colourful trees in the charming park by herself. And in her mind she knew that the answer would be no. _Never_.

She was almost home - if she had been paying attention she would have been able to see her house up the street. Despite her trying, the walk hadn’t helped much to silence her thoughts. They were still screaming and rampaging around inside her head, so loudly, that she didn’t even hear that deep, loud honking noise behind her. It was there, two or maybe three times, before she was finally pulled out of her thoughts and looked behind her. But it was too late by then, and Jamie was already staring right into the bus driver’s eyes. A split-second later, her surroundings darkened and all she could feel was a dull pain when her body hit the ground hard.

She didn’t understand what was going on. It felt like she was slipping into a deep sleep, but she could hear outraged voices that seemed far away. Then she felt someone touching her and it hurt. She opened her eyes, just a smidge, and saw faces before a background of blue sky above. Those people kept talking to her but she couldn’t catch what they were saying. She turned her head and saw blood streaming next to her. The pool of blood slowly increased its size and her eyes darkened again.

* * *

Red.

It was as if her whole surroundings were tinted in that faded reddish colour. As if a sheer haze lingered over her mind and body. As if she had developed some sort of colour-blindness. Every contrast and every detail were there, but it seemed like some sort of strange, twisted, alternate reality.

Red.

The colour was faded and vibrant at the same time, it was dark like a rose but also bright like the warmth of a chimney fire. It was like a restless dream, like a headache, like a buzz, like a lover’s first kiss – a feeling like your knees were about to give in. She looked down to her feet, scrutinizing her body. Placing one hand on the back of her head.

Red.

She herself was dyed in that colour. Her clothes, her skin. And all felt so dull, so empty, so hollow. Her ears rang in a deep pitch, her whole head seemed to vibrate. The other hand raised in front of her face, she looked past her fingers which were slowly moving, trying to wake herself up from this reverie. Was she dreaming? Was this even real?

Red.

She turned, noticing that there was absolutely nothing. Just one instant earlier, she was standing there beside that suburban lane, surrounded by trees painted in those beautiful auburn colours from the onset of autumn. Those gloomy streetlamps just there, about to go to sleep, as the new day had already awoke. She turned again, more hectically this time. And again there was only this colour which seemed to have devoured everything around her.

Red.

Then, suddenly, this strange noise inside her head stopped, shattered like glass as it was interrupted by a voice, unknown yet somehow familiar. She turned again, trying to figure out where the voice had echoed from in all this nothingness. And the red was gone.

“I’m surprised to see you here!”

Frowning, she eyed the young man in front of her. Even if she had never seen him in person, only on a few old pictures, she knew exactly who he was. Nevertheless, she somehow didn’t understand why she was here, in that pitch black nothingness, with _him_. And she tried to figure out _why the hell_ he seemed to know who she was.

“Where am I??” she asked quite frantic. “What’s this all about??”

With a smirk on his face, the man adjusted his circular spectacles: “You tell me. I bet you know what this is all about. Actually, I’m not allowed to tell you… you have to grasp that on your own, I’m afraid.”

“I… Am I… _dead_??” She touched the back of her head again, suddenly remembering all the pain she had felt, just a second ago it seemed. The memory of the accident flushed over her.

“That… _bus_ …” Jamie was talking more to herself than to the man in front of her. “The people, all the panic… all the _blood_!” Red – the word echoed inside her brain. Shocked, she suddenly looked directly into the man’s eyes. “I am dead, aren’t I??”

“Wow… you’re very quick! It took me months to figure that out!” Slowly, he took a few steps towards her. “So yeah, your brain was mushed… but it’s not that bad!” He laughed as if it was the most common small talk between them. “It was the same with me really, but don’t worry - you won’t be able to tell, there won’t be scars at all! Maybe your vision will blur now and then, but it’s nothing you couldn’t get used to. At least, that’s what it’s like for me.” The young man touched the back of his head as well, smiling friendly at Jamie. “So… welcome to the limbo!” With a grin, he stretched his arms out in front of him, slightly bowing, as a gesture of welcoming her. “It’s a pretty boring place to be honest…” He rolled his eyes and looked around into the black nothingness surrounding them.

Jamie was quite confused and couldn’t believe that the scene presented to her was real. What the hell was she doing here? _Was this the afterlife? Was that really all there was to it???_ Heavily blinking, she faced the man: “What are we doing here? Why are we here _together_?? Are we stuck?”

As he was slowly pacing up and down in front of her, he laughed once more, adjusting his glasses again like it was some sort of nervous tick: “Again… you tell me! I honestly don’t know why you’ve ended up here. I would’ve thought you’d pass on the very minute you died!” He eyed her through the rim of his glasses. “Normally, the only thing preventing you from passing on is if there’s still something you have to take care of… So I dunno…” 

Jamie was thinking hard. Could he be right? Was there still something she had to do? Her eyes wandered to this man… _What was his name again? Edward? No… Eddie?… Edmund!_ But that insight didn't get her much further. _Why am I here??_

“I… I don’t know…” She really didn’t. No matter how hard she tried, Jamie couldn’t make sense of what she was supposed to do and why she had stranded here. Suddenly, she remembered the words the young man in front of her had said when she appeared: “How the bloody hell did you know who I was??” she snapped. With a furrowed brow and narrowed eyes, she fixated the man like prey.

“Wow, easy! I’m not your foe!” With a sheepish grin, he took a step back. “I’ve seen you… years ago, one of the many times I’ve visited her… Danielle. That’s when I realised that you and her were… you know…” Suddenly, his stupid smile faded and Jamie could see that there was a great deal of sadness in his eyes. She knew that sort of look, knew it very well, as it was the same expression she used to see when she stared at her own reflection in water surfaces. It was the look of a broken heart, of deep desperation and longing for a love that could no longer be, and it spoke volumes to her when she recognised it on the young man’s face. Slowly, her purpose here became very clear to Jamie and she understood why she had ended up here with Edmund: This was about Dani. The green-eyed woman felt it in her bones, like some kind of instinct. _She wants me to do this, to sort things out for her, because she wasn’t able to. That’s why I’m here with him. I need to let him know he has to move on, away from this place._

“Well, mate…” she began, “…some things are just not meant to be! Sometimes, you just have to move on and… you know… accept things as they are.” With an understanding, faint smile she looked at the man who was staring down at his feet. “Dani was haunted by you! You scared her by showing up, and you wouldn’t stop. You made it a lot harder for her to deal with what had happened, because you wouldn’t let go…”

The man took off his glasses and started to rub his eyes, his movement was followed by a silent sob. “I know, but I missed her so much! She was the love of my life and suddenly she locked me out. It was just too much to bear, and then the accident happened…But even now, I’m still not able to talk to her because she’s keeping me out… I just can’t get to her!” 

Jamie came closer to the man, carefully placing her hand on his shoulder: “Dani loved you, I’m sure of it, but… sometimes people change! At some point in your lives, you were in love but that time is gone. And if the accident hadn’t happened, I’m certain that Dani would still love you to this day, only in a different way… you know… like family. There really isn’t much to do about it… it just wasn’t meant to be. And I swear to God that you will always be a part of her heart, but maybe not in the way it used to be…”

With another sob, he looked into the green eyes: “Thank you… I can see why she has chosen you. But I’ll never stop loving her!”

“I know… neither will I. But still, you have to let her go, Edmund! Or do you really want to spend the rest of eternity in this ugly place? Let go… search for a happy memory to live in and unravel those knots you have tangled yourself in!” The man slowly started nodding his head as he wiped the tears from his eyes, putting on his spectacles again: “You’re right… Now that you are here too, Danielle will continue to block me out either way… but you, you should go to her now.” He tried to hold his head up high, tried to seem stronger than he was in that very moment.

Jamie felt deepest empathy for the man, because somehow, they both shared the same fate, with the only difference being that her love for Dani wasn’t a dead end. Unlike Edmund, she already knew which happy place would await her on the other side, that she would finally be reunited with her lover again. However, both of them knew what grief and loss and pain truly meant.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll go now… and you… you should do the same!” said Jamie.

He nodded again, raising his hand to her to say goodbye: “Give her my regards!”

“I will.” she replied, watching another ghostly figure fade away in front of her.

* * *

It was a sunny summer’s day, the meadows and fields that surrounded the old house blossomed and showed their most beautiful colours, a mild breeze of air was swaying the corn. Everything seemed calm and familiar, the world seemed in order. 

Jamie sat on the soft, grassy ground and reclined against the strong, centuries-old trunk of the willow behind her. Her eyes were wandering over the wide wheat field which was coloured golden by the sunbeams. Right next to it lay a field full of cornflowers, blooming in the deepest blue. The panorama was amazing and was soothing to her mind.

In the near distance, the young woman saw her lover in the fruit orchard, picking apples for the strudel she wanted to make later. Her shiny blonde hair was a nice contrast to the red apples that one could even spot from afar on the trees.

A happy smile formed on her lips when she saw Dani in that lovely overall and with the sweet little straw hat on. The beauty of the scene made her heart beat faster. How lucky she was to have this wonderful, kind human being around her. The brown-haired woman never knew it was possible to love someone as much as she loved Dani. She was her moon, her sun and her stars all wrapped into one person and she couldn’t be happier about them being together again – about them leading the ‘life’ they had always dreamed about.

After a while, Dani took note of the glances from her lover, so she gleefully grinned and waved to her: “Do you care to give me some company, picking those apples?” Jamie grinned widely. “I’d love nothing more than that, Poppins!”

_And they continued to be happy forever in this memory they had created for themselves many, many years ago, when they both were young and full of dreams._

_The End._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, that's it, we're done - THE END! Hope you liked it at least a little :)   
> Actually, I haven't written anything in YEARS but this pairing stole my heart and I just needed a coping mechanism! *sobs*   
> Because their story is quite dramatic in the show, I decided against something too fluffy and kept that overall drama feeling. Also, I like dramatic stuff over pure romance when it comes to my reading and writing preferences. But each to their own I guess. 
> 
> As always - stay awesome, stay healthy and leave me any form of feedback as it is very much appreciated!   
> ps. the "dear" in the chapter title isn't a spelling mistake. It's on purpose.


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